America's Most Wanted Teacher (part one)

Mr. Smith (enters class)

Hi class. I'm the new English teacher, Mr. Smith. You can call me Jon. (All girls sigh. Guys look jealous.) I'd like to start the class by reading a poem.

Kid 1

Is this going to be on the test?

Kid 2

When does the period end?

Kid 3

Can I go to the bathroom?

Mr Smith

Why?

Kid 3

Why? Why?

Mr Smith (reading poem)

Death, death, death, death, death and more death.

Stacey

That was so lovely.

Mom (Kid trying to be cool looks to window. Her mom is waving at her. She tries to ignore her. Mom enters)

Sorry to disturb you, but my little cutie forgot her My Little Pony lunch box. I made your favorite, tuna with catsup, fixed the way only your mom can. (Kid tries to look cool.)

Mom (pinches her cheek)

Here's your lunch, Peaches. (Students call her Peaches) And what's that on your face. Oh my, it's a pimple. (kids tease)

Kid

It's just dirt, Mom (spits on her hand and wipes dirt off her face) Aw mom. Cut it out.

Mom

You don't mind if I stay and observe the class do you Mr. Smith? (as she sits she trips) Ay yi yi yi, that is the fifth time I've tripped today. (dusts herself off) I just want to see what you're doing in school, honey. You know me. I won't be a bother. (takes off her shoes and puts her feet on desk. students hold their noses) You just go right along and act as if I'm not here. Think of me as just another student. (blows her nose on her sleeve)

Kid

I can't believe this is happening to me. It's like a nightmare come true.

Mom

What? What did you say, Peaches. "Your nose hairs are blue?" Are you catching a cold? Now I told you to wear your mittens on the bus (grabs her ear) Now let's get you down to the nurse. My little snuckems is not feeling well. You'll have to excuse us. (they exit) Excuse me. Coming through. Excuse me.

Mr. Smith

Now, class, while I return this book to the library you all will watch an important show on English literature. (turns on TV) I'll be right back class. (leaves)

Girl 1

(giggles) Don't you think the new teacher is hot?

Girl 2

I know! But that poem was freaky.

Girl 3

I think I've seen him somewhere before.

Girl 5

Me too.

Girl 4

I think he was on Melrose Place or something.

Girl 1

I don't know, but I've seen him too..

Guy 1

This show is the worst. (changes channel to "America' Most Wanted")

Announcer (in cardboard TV screen)

Tonight on America's Most Wanted, after 5 years, escaped crazed murder Jon Johnson has still not been apprehended. It is assumed that he has assimilated into a community, is working at a respectable job and is living a normal life. Tonight you'll learn that wherever he is no one is safe. If you see this man (Smith sticks head in TV, psycho music) report him immediately to the authorities. He is armed and dangerous.

Girls

Ahhhhh!

Girl 2

Wait wait wait! He can't be a murderer. He is a- a- teacher.

Stacey

He's too cute to be a murderer, anyway.

Girl 4

For sure.

Smith (enters. Class freezes scared)

What's wrong class?

Girl 1

Nothing sir. Ah ah Stacey just pulled a hang nail and and-

Stacey

Those guys thought you they saw you on "America's Most Wanted."

Smith

Ha Ha now, class, would the school hire a murder? I can't imagine a more preposterous fantasy.

Stacey

Of course not! Do you think this little teddy bear face could kill anyone? (pinches his cheeks) Anyway they had your name wrong.

Girls whispering: Look. His back pocket. He's got something.

Stacey

Guys, cut it out?

Girl 5

He's got something in his pocket.

Stacey

Just his wallet. See. (pulls knife out of pocket)

Girls

Ahhhhhh!

(Smith laughs and puts knife to Stacey's throat)

Stacey

Not my hair please don't mess up my hair.

Smith

Shut up, ditz, or I'll slit your throat.

Stacey

OK OK just don't touch the hair.

Girl (to principal DL)

Principal Peters, Principal Peters, you- you- he- he.

Peters

Now calm down dear, is there something wrong with your schedule?

Girl

Mr. Smith is Jon Johnson. He is a murderer and he has a knife to Stacey's throat.

Peters

The ditz? Oh don't be silly. Now you go by the office, get a hall pass and go on back to class. I'll have one of the counselors drop in for a little self esteem session message in the bulletin for you to think about.

Girl

But- but.

Peters

Now go before I have to give you a white card.

Next Scene